Why our instinct to apologize matters—and where it disappears the rest of the day.
What’s the first thing you say after you inadvertently bump into someone while you’re walking? If you’re a bully from an ’80s teen comedy, you might say, “Watch your step, dickwad,” but you’re more than likely to say, “I’m sorry.”
That’s involuntary kindness—a reflexive and instinctual reaction to ask for grace. It’s basically like breathing.
Let that sink in for a minute. We don’t even think about it. It’s almost like that instant reaction when someone says the word moist out loud. When we bump into someone, we don’t stop, wait a moment, and say, “Watch where you’re going!” It’s just involuntary kindness.
Where does that reflex go the other 14-ish waking hours of the day? Why can’t our default be kindness instead of, well, asshole-ness (not sure if that’s a word)?
I’m not going to get overly political here, but that’s my biggest criticism of President Donald Trump. He’s not wired for involuntary kindness; it’s more like involuntary cruelty. A perfect example of this was back in January when a mid-air collision over Washington between a military helicopter and a commercial airplane took the lives of 67 people. His initial public statements weren’t about grieving; they were about grievance. He blamed DEI. I’ll just leave that here.
He’s not alone, and I am in no way blaming him or anyone for our lack of involuntary kindness.
Maybe social media has something to do with it. If you look at any comments below a post on X or Facebook, the negative comments usually outnumber positive ones by a large margin.
You know how the algorithm is always pushing bullshit down your feed? The other day, a post popped up from someone I had never heard of before, spouting angry and incendiary comments. Out of morbid curiosity, I decided to take a peek at his profile. His bio included the words Father and Roman Catholic. Now, I grew up in a devout Christian family and went to Catholic school. I’m pretty sure Big JC was a big proponent of kindness and grace.
Maybe we’re all getting a little hardened. But then I think about those moments of involuntary kindness: holding the door for someone behind you, letting a car sneak in front of you in traffic, or picking up something that a stranger just dropped in front of you.
All of those actions aren’t coming from the frontal lobes of our brain—that’s for deep thinking, reasoning, and problem-solving. We’re talking about the limbic system, which triggers natural instincts like eating and drinking. And yes, I Googled that.
And it turns out, there’s a scientific proof that kindness is natural. Research shows that acts of kindness trigger the release of oxytocin, a hormone that promotes bonding and trust. Basically, our brains are wired to reward us for being decent to one another.
We might have to train ourselves again because, somehow, people think cruelty is cool. Or maybe they think cruelty is comedic. But look at the people who do comedy professionally. Outside of a random few, most comedians don’t punch down—i.e., making fun of people who are in a worse or less powerful position than you—because it became less funny.
If you watched a sitcom or a standup special from the ’80s, many of us would cringe now at the fatphobic, misogynistic, and racist jokes that were commonplace back then. Many comics and writers adapted. It didn’t happen overnight or consciously; it happened instinctively over time.
Trust me, I can laugh at an offensive joke, but that comedian needs to earn that. You can’t just be mean for the sake of being mean.
The next time you’re about to snap at someone, roll your eyes, or fire off a snarky comment, pause for just a second. Ask yourself: What would it cost me to be kind instead? Chances are, it’s less than you think, because at the end of the day we don’t want to be dickwads.
Have you ever considered becoming a public speaker? It’s challenging enough to feel comfortable speaking in front of a crowd, but turning it into a paid career is even tougher.
This week on Good Listen, my guest is Keith L. Brown. We dive into how he got started in public speaking and how he’s built a career around it.
You can catch our conversation on YouTube or stream it on your favorite podcast platform.
