How Genuine Interest and Active Listening Unlock Conversations with Anyone
Don’t have temporary people make permanent decisions
Lessons from the Broccoli Family on maintaining control and trust.
A doctor. A musician. A consultant. A financial advisor. A wedding planner. A coffee agronomist. A dog therapist. A celebrity trainer.
No, that’s not the start of a joke.
These are just a few of the people I’ve spoken to on the various podcasts I work on. You might ask how I could possibly hold in-depth conversations with such a random assortment of people. I don’t have a great answer. My late father-in-law used to joke that I could talk to anyone at a party between the ages of 8 and 80. Although I might have trouble with the third grader, I think anyone can talk to anyone about anything.
If you’ve watched, listened to, or read anything I’ve done over the course of my life, you know I’m not a smart man. I don’t mean to sound like Forrest Gump, but I’m a college dropout with a limited vocabulary and a very niche set of skills.
In the past month, I’ve also spoken with a scientist, an intimacy coordinator, and a spiritual coach. They clearly don’t have a lot in common. But they do have one thing in common: they’re people. That thing I have is, I care about other people and genuinely want to know how they think and how they got here. I start my show, Good Listen, with the line, “Everybody’s got a story, you just have to listen.”
Embracing the Socratic Method
That’s it: care and listen. I think we all need to do more of that. And it’s easier than you think. It’s as simple as using the Socratic method. By the way, I was using that method before I even knew what it was. I got a C in Philosophy (remember, college dropout).
You’re probably more familiar with it than I am, but if you’re not, the Socratic method is basically a way of learning and talking to people by asking and answering questions. The best way to connect with people is not to have a shiny white-toothed smile—although good dental hygiene doesn’t hurt—but with genuine curiosity. It’s sort of like the ancient idiom, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
One of the biggest compliments I get from a guest on the podcast is when someone says, “You clearly did your homework before we started.” And I just smile, while knowing I really didn’t. That’s not to say that I didn’t read up on the person and see what they’re doing and what they’re all about, but I spend the preparation phase of the podcast looking for my “in.”
To me, my “in” is finding one thing—maybe it’s more than one—but that one thing that can connect us. You might be scanning back and saying, how the heck can you connect with a wedding planner and a dog therapist? Again, it’s not so hard.
My “in” for the wedding planner was sharing a story about my nephew going through hell for his wedding. For the dog therapist, I wanted to know why Nathan always wants to lick my face off (Nathan is my dog, by the way).
And we’re off. At that point, all I have to do is follow the four steps of the Socratic method, and at this point in my life, it comes naturally, but even I have to be intentional about it:
Step 1 – Listen. Take it all in. Just let them go.
Step 2 – Reflect. Try and do a quick recap of what they just said for clarity.
Step 3 – Ask Questions. Dig into what was shared and find common ground.
Step 4 – Rinse and Repeat.
You can do this at home with your partner and kids, at work with co-workers and clients, and at those family gatherings with your drunk uncle. We all have the power to talk to anyone about anything; we just have to start by caring.
